Hold on to your taste buds for a crazy ride as we plunge headlong into the exciting world of drinks! Though water is the uncontested winner for mere survival and hydration, the world of drinks has far more in store than mere thirst-quenching. Those clever mixtures, those curious imbibes, and those full-bodied flavors that promise anything from zesty pep to urbane kick – but sometimes, every so often, they give a whole lot of. well, something altogether different.
Recently, the virtual world, that is to say a very active corner of Reddit, caught fire with a genuinely heated debate. The topic of issue? Which drinks do people secretly hate completely, but for some baffling reason, keep on drinking with a plausible smile? We’re not talking here about ‘bad’ drinks in a general sense; we’re venturing into those confounding liquid enigmas that leave you wondering at your own taste, even while everyone who is around you appears to be actually enjoying them.
Malort
Starting off our glorious tour of ‘what were they thinking?’ drinks is the infamous Malort. This absolutely unique spirit originated in Chicago and has a certain, if not notorious, place in the hearts (or stomachs, at least) of the folks dauntless enough to attempt it. It’s made from wormwood, which provides absinthe its infamous kick and, in the past, its related legends of hallucinatory activity.
The taste profile? One Redditor summed it up best: ‘Think about wringing out soggy socks after a long workout and wringing the water into a bottle. Fill the bottle with that, leave it ferment in a warm closet. That’s Malort.’ Other wonderful descriptions include it being ‘alcoholic vomit bile,’ or ‘it’s like if someone drowned your grandmother’s bathroom potpourri in some vodka.’
What really makes Malort stand out is its nearly mythical self-promoting marketing with harshly frank, darkly comedic slogans such as, ‘Malort, for when you want to unfriend someone in person,’ or ‘Malort, tonight’s the night you fight your dad.’
La Croix
Our second challenger is a seemingly harmless drink that, in spite of everything, has somehow managed to divide the masses: La Croix. When it first came out, it seriously seemed like they had ‘reinvented the wheel.’ Overnight, everyone was saying their thing about it, and it had garnered a seriously loyal legion of ‘La Croix enthusiasts.
But the Reddit post let this widespread love be seen to be far from universal. One of the most upvoted definitions joked that La Croix tastes like someone else is thinking of fruit,’ and it exactly captured that elusive, near-unflavorful taste profile. Another said it’s like ‘drinking static as someone bellows flavours from another room.’
Maybe the most gruesomely evocative description was that it ‘tastes like someone had eaten a lot of fruit and then belched in your water.’ One highly talented poster gave a bullet-pointed list of ‘flavors’: ‘Trace of trace of lime,’ ‘Strawberry with low battery,’ ‘Waved at a kiwi once,’ ‘Rode in a truck by bananas,’ ‘Shy watermelon,’ ‘Rumor of an Apple,’ and ‘Hypnosis-recovered repressed memory of raspberry.’
Moxie
Our third challenger leads us to New England, home of Moxie, the official state soft drink of Maine. Moxie is famous for its ‘unusual taste that is both sweet and bitter,’ thanks to its chief ingredient: gentian root extract. It was not always a freaky soda; Moxie was first peddled as a medicinal ‘Moxie Nerve Food’ that purported to cure a range of conditions.
The discussions on Reddit were fiercely split, with a heavy preponderance towards the ‘what is this?!’ position. One outspoken Redditor insisted, ‘I will NEVER get how Moxie is “tasty.” It is one of the most vile soda pops I ever tasted.’ Another even went so far as to say, ‘I bet I could use it to remove rust from my car.’
Maybe the nastiest epitaph came from a friend of one person, who just said that Moxie ‘tastes like hate.’ When an apparently harmless soft drink provokes so strong, raw an emotion, you know it’s attained a certain kind of ‘worst’ status in the world of beverages.
Stevia Sweetened Anything
For our fourth epiphany, we explore anything stevia-sweetened. Now, stevia is certainly a darling among many, particularly those monitoring their sugar consumption. Yet for a large portion of the population, stevia is a total taste disaster.
Stevia objections are explained with near-genetic determinism. One Redditor asked whether the aversion is ‘genetic, like the soapy cilantro thing,’ observing that ‘any artificial sweetener ruins food and drink for me, but stevia is somehow 100x worse.’ Its unpleasant taste is explained as unappetizing – ‘oddly bitter’ even when only a small amount is used.
For those who put in extra stevia, the experience doubles the horror. One person called it ‘like drinking bitter liquid sugar with a burnt taste that clings to my mouth.’ To some, the flavor is so ‘disgusting’ that they would ‘rather do without’ anything sweet whatsoever than tolerate stevia.
Tonic Water
Completing our first half is the quietly unassuming, yet highly polarizing, Tonic Water. This fizzy drink is famously partnered with gin to create the classic gin and tonic cocktail. But for a significant number of imbibers, however, the issue isn’t with the gin; it’s squarely with its bitter, fizzy companion!
As one Redditor boldly asserted, ‘Tonic water.”. I’m about to get roasted for this, but on its own or whatever it’s mixed with tastes disgusting to me.’ A similar opinion was voiced by another who wrote: ‘Me too. I didn’t think I liked gin but it was the tonic.’. Gin and soda water is actually pleasant.’ It would appear that for most people, tonic water has been unlawfully pretending to be the indispensable gin partner, when it’s the secret nemesis.
Kombucha
This fizzy probiotic drink, which is hailed for its probiotic properties, gets people sharply divided. Perhaps one of the biggest problems is ‘massive inconsistency.’ It’s flavor roulette each time you sample a new brand. Some deliver ‘the lightest vinegar smell,’ yet you may get a batch that tastes, as one Redditor put it, ‘like the bathroom sink in a truck stop restroom smells.’
The most memorable review: ‘I once tried it. I had the taste of someone else’s weak vomit. Not for me. I’ll stick to my own vomit, thanks!’
Clamato
Our next challenger is really crazy: Clamato – tomato juice clam flavor. Redditor did inquire, ‘Who the heck is consuming this? Why is there still a sizable enough market that it is produced?’ For some that like their seafood on a plate and tomato juice without clams, it is a reasonable question.
Yet, Clamato is a staple back in Mexico, a leading ingredient in Micheladas. They mix beer with Clamato and spices, giving it a dynamic taste for the enthusiasts. But consuming it ‘solo solo straight out of the bottle’ is still a sell that is hard to make for most.
Energy Drinks
Our pièce de résistance: Energy Drinks. They’re the bright-colored, high-caffeine drinks fueling late-night studying and traffic rides. They offer wings and boosts, but to most, the downside is a suspect taste.
The Reddit concensus isdiabolically straightforward: ‘Any energy drink such as Redbull, Monster and all that rubbish. They all taste the same, and they all taste awful.’ But for those who consume them through compulsion instead of pleasure, one user confessed, ‘I purchase them simply to wake the heck up. They do taste like TV static though.’
The harshest critique was reserved for Red Bull: ‘It’s like someone spilled a chemistry set into a tank of sugar and thought it was a good idea to label it an energy drink. Drink it and get ready to feel the subtle notes of disappointment with the fine balance of regret.’
And there you have it! Our intrepid foray into the world of drinks we all pretend to enjoy. From the surprisingly herbal to the enigmatically static-tasting, flavor is a crazy and fantastical thing. What one human drinks with gusto, another may covertly scheme to pour down the drain. The next time you’re presented with one of these disputed drinks, remember: it’s not only fine to concede if it’s not for you, but your taste buds will thank you!
